My Old Friend is Back...

Ever have one of those days when you just feel like you can't go on? Today has been that kind of a day. I think the hardest thing is admitting you are finding things hard. I feel such pressure to be some sort of superwoman. I work a 40 hour week at work and on my days 'off' I go back to being full time mummy to my two children. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love spending time with them. It's just that sometimes, it would ne nice to actually stop and relax. I fear this post is turning into a moan.

 

I have come to the realisation just tonight, that the depression is back. As fellow sufferers will know, it never truly goes away entirely, just sits and waits for the next attack, which for me, is now. Those who have never suffered from depression may find it difficult to understand. I know some people will find it hard to see how I can feel depressed when I seem to have everything going for me. The fact that I have become incredibly good at faking a smile both in person, and through the power of the positive Facebook statuses, means that most people would think everything was just fine. And that's what I say if people ask. "I'm fine. Everything is fine". But it's not fine.

When I have depression it's like a great big dark blanket has come down over me, making it hard to see the positive things I have going on, making my mind focus only on the negatives, the what-ifs, the nagging doubts that just won't leave me. I have hugely low self esteem and care a lot more than I should about what other people think of me and these two things couple with depression, reducing me to an emotional wreck.  I can be coping one day and the next, feel like my entire world is collapsing around me. It's exhausting.

I went to the doctors today as I have been having dizzy spells and ended up in a&e last week with severe stomach pain. I was going to mention my low mood, and I did say the word emotional, but when the doctor wrote all my symptoms off as stress I didn't say anything. It's easier to just keep going and pretending that everything is as fine as I say it is. And despite my low self esteem, despite not feeling I can cope at times, I know deep down that I will, as I have done before. And I do have a lot to be thankful for in my life. I know I do, even in my darkest times, I can remember I have a loving family, amazing children and a boyfriend who tells me how much I meant to him every day.

So I'm hoping the power of determination to keep going will shine through. But for now, I plan on reading a trashy magazine with Friends playing in the background, trying to resist the chocolate I've hidden in the cupboard for emergencies (I need to stick to the diet)!

Hello 2015

I don't know if you know, but 2014 was a bit of a rollercoaster ride of emotions for me. By the time December rolled round, with all the changes over the past few weeks, I was more than ready for a fresh start and, with the New Year just around the corner, a time made for new beginnings, I was in luck.

2015 is a new start for me and my wonderful boyfriend Ed

I had planned on starting the new year seeing it in with a glass of the fizzy stuff and my boyfriend Ed by my side for a festive midnight kiss. As always with me, things didn't quite go to plan when we went to a party and I drank a little too much, a little too quickly and subsequently, instead of the romantic kiss, what Ed got was a passed out girlfriend and sleep before the clocks chimed. Bit of a disaster....

Drinking before even getting to the party is never a clever idea...

From the very next day I was determined to make 2015 a better year and went in guns blazing declaring I would be eating nothing but salads and not touching a drop of alcohol for the entire month. I lasted a grand total of 4 days. It's not that I couldn't do it, if I tried, it's that the lonnnnnng month of January is a hard enough time as it is, but when you add the life changes I am currently experiencing into the equation, you're looking at a breakdown waiting to happen and a few glasses of wine might just take the edge off it all.

Don't get me wrong, things are happening the way I want them to. In fact, I am the happiest I have ever been. But no matter how much better my life is now, it is always a little sad to admit you made a mistake and things didn't work out. I hope that in a few weeks time when everything is final, that I can really move on in my life with Ed and my children. I am fortunate enough to have a loving and supportive family, and a couple of close friends who have stood by me no matter what. For these people, I am eternally grateful.

My sister has been my rock throughout the past few months

My life has never followed the path I used to want it to. I have often been envious of those people who managed to do things the 'right' way. But recently I have come to realise that actually, there is no 'right' or 'wrong' way. Life is too short to worry about the choices we are making. Yes, I made some along the way, but everything that has happened has happened for a reason and led me to where I am now, which, in case I didn't already mention, is the happiest I've ever been. So yes, I will conclude this rather rambling post with one of my favourite lines from the soundtrack to my all tine favourite Disney film, the magnificent Frozen....

 

"I know I left a life behind but I'm too relived to grieve.... Let it go"

 

2015 will be the year I finally manage to do just that and leave the past where it belongs in the past, allowing me to move on and into a brighter future for me, Ed and my two beautiful children.

Instead of unrealistic expectations or the promise of a new year, new me, this year I have gone for some sensible attitude changes in key areas of my life..

-I will have a healthier relationship with food, exercise and my body image.

-I will have more patience with people, especially as a mother.

-I will aim to spend less time on my phone and more time in the present. I will be more motivated and confident, using my bucket list as a way to force myself out of my comfort zone.

In short, I will use the fresh start to keep myself as me, only better.


Happy New Year everyone!

The importance of being happy

If I have learnt one thing this rather eventful year it is that life is short. Really short. It is too short to be unhappy. To stay unhappy because it's considered the 'right' thing to do. I chose to be happy. Perhaps a selfish decision but one I don't regret. With all my past history of depression, I haven't been truly happy a lot in my life. I am happy now. I'm smiling. Not just for photos or when someone tells me to. But actually can'ttakethesmile offmyface all the time smiling. It feels good. 

I'm going into 2015 with a huge smile on my face and the determination to live life in the moment. Every day is a blessing.

Hello Stranger...

Well I have no idea who the audience for this blog is anymore or whether anyone even reads it, other than a small indication from the page stats that at least some people are clicking through from various weird and wonderful search terms (pregnant in leggings anyone?).... So much has changed since my last post that rather than dwelling on the negatives, I thought I would just start afresh with an introducing myself blog post. If you have read my previous posts then please ignore everything you read, it is probably no longer relevant.... 

My latest tattoo and mantra in life 

So here goes.... I'm Emma-Louise and I live on the beautiful South Coast with my two lovely but lively children who are four and two years old. My journey to this point has been at times rather hectic and some of the things that have happened have made for some stressful periods (but provided brilliant subject matter for this blog!). I work full time at a local hotel where I am Wedding & Events Coordinator, it's my dream job and I love it. 

As well as working and being a mum, in any spare time I get, lately I have been trying to get out of my comfort zone as my (somewhat early) New Year's resolution is to try new things and complete some of my 'bucket list'. 

Having only started a few weeks ago, so far I have done fairly well having been harnessed onto a zip wire that took me from the end of the pier to the beach as part of a charity event for work and attending a gig of a band that was definitely not 'me'. Both things made me hugely nervous beforehand but I actually really enjoyed myself. I am looking forward to trying lots of other new things in 2015. 

So if you fancy reading more about my vaguely interesting life then watch this space... 

Shellac- the cure for nail biters?

So, as you all know, it is my wedding in just a couple of weeks....Back in November I decided I didn't want to have to rely on the 'fake nails' and have acrylics on my wedding day so I set about trying to get my nails, which I have bitten since I was a little girl, to grow long enough to look feminine and pretty on my wedding day.

Since then I have had 3 lots of Shellac done and my nails are looking brilliant! They aren't really long, but that wouldn't be practical for me anyway as a mum of two young children and someone who types a lot day to day. I was a bit sceptical when I heard that a nail polish could help you stop biting your nails but it really does work. I think the main thing is that Shellac looks so lovely, you don't want to bite your nails and ruin the prettiness. Plus Shellac isn't too cheap, so I knew I would be wasting my money if I were to bite.

Whatever the case, I am really pleased and proud of myself for managing to keep up not biting my nails and I am really happy that I will be having my own nails with shellac and nail art for my wedding!

I bought the Sensationail kit for myself in the sales so I will be using that after the wedding to keep up my pretty nails at a lower cost than going to the salon every few weeks so no doubt there will be a future post/review on that soon.

Have you had Shellac nails done before? Are you a convert?

Christmas Plans!

I make no secret of it, this is my absolute favourite time of year! This year is even more special as Cameron understands so much more now and is really excited for Christmas day! I cannot wait to see his little face on Christmas morning when he opens up his presents. Carly doesn't really understand what is going on just yet but she does love the pretty Christmas tree and playing with the wrapping paper!

And it isn't just about the material things, I am equally as excited to share some Christmas day traditions of our family with the kids. This is how we spend Christma...

On Christmas Eve we will usually attend a church service with the children, have dinner and a Christmas film and then let the children open their Christmas Eve presents of a pair of pjs before setting out the snacks for Santa and putting them to bed. This year my mum, nan and I will be going to midnight mass at the church me and Tim are getting married in, whilst Tim stays at home and looks after the children.

Our Christmas Day:

8.30am approx:

                                          Wake up to bacon sandwiches and Bucks Fizz

9am:

                                                                           Presents

10am:

                                                                           Cooking

11.30am:

                                         Walk along the beach to visit my Granddad's bench

1pm:

                                             Cooking whilst Christmas TV or a film is on (plus more presents)

2.30pm:

                                                               Christmas Lunch

3pm:

                                                            Queen's Speech for my nan

4pm:

Usually at this time we would be laid on the settee feeling full or playing with the kid's presents, this year my dad and sister are staying in a hotel in Bournemouth so we will probably be seeing them at some point in the afternoon.

7pm:

Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without some traditional Christmas TV. Even though me and my mum don't watch Eastenders regularly, we always end up watching it over the Christmas period. I also love watching the reruns of things like the Gavin and Stacey Christmas episodes and the Vicar of Dibley episode where she has all the Christmas Dinners.

 

8pm:

 

In the evening we usually just have some snack food like sausage rolls, turkey sandwiches and crisps. And some more Bucks Fizz or wine too...

Boxing day is spent sales shopping and meeting up with family. My mum also loves having left over turkey with chips!

Do you have any Christmas traditions in your family? I'd love to hear about them in the comments!

All I Want for Christmas...

Rather than bore you with my actual Christmas Wish List, filled with lots of pink and girly things, I thought instead I would share with you my 'fantasy wish list'...

A full nights sleep....

With two toddlers, sleep is a distant memory for me and Tim... Carly used to sleep through the night but ever since she started getting teeth, she has become unsettled in the night again. Cameron has never been a good sleeper, and the both of them together are leaving me exhausted!

Kate Moss' Body

Ever since I saw the photos of Kate Moss for Playboy recently I have wanted her body! How she looks this good at her age I don't know, but I would trade bodies in an instant!

The ability to stop stressing out over trivial things!

I find it hard to remember sometimes that the little things aren't important. I need to look at my little ones and appreciate everything good in life!

Dress Fittings!

Yes, another wedding related post. I did warn you that the blog would be a bit 'one track mind' over the next couple of months (yes, that's right, we are almost at the 2 month mark, eek!).

As my bridesmaids live miles away from me (one is in Essex, the other is in Newcastle!), finding a time when we would all be together in Bournemouth has been near impossible. I managed to book for our dress fittings with the seamstress for Monday as I knew the girls would be down for the hen weekend.

Although I was feeling very bloated after way too much food and drink over the weekend I was so excited to see the girls together in their dresses and for them to see me in my dress in person for the first time!

The seamstress was really lovely and, once the dresses had been pinned up, the girls were both really happy with their dresses and they are going to look stunning on the day once the alterations have been done! We decided not to have material added to the low cut bust after all, but to instead bring the dress together and pin a brooch to the middle. It is going to look amazing, and means the dresses will be totally unique!

After the girls had tried their dresses on it was time for me to get into my beautiful dress. I hadn't worn it since Spring so I wasn't sure how it would fit and I was really excited to see myself in it again, this time with my veil, tiara and jewellery! When I finally got into it (there's a lot of lacing and the hoop had to be put together as well), I fell in love with it all over again! It doesn't actually need any alterations to it at all either and fits perfectly, almost like it were made for me (eek!). I am so excited for the wedding. I cannot wait for Tim to see me in my dress!

We have booked in to have the bridesmaids and my final fittings over the next 8 weeks. Looking forward to seeing the bridesmaids dresses once they have been altered!

Obviously I won't be able to show you my wedding dress so as to keep it a surprise for the big day, but here is a picture of the girls in their dresses. I absolutely love them!

My Hen Weekend!

As you may know, last weekend was my hen weekend!  It was something I had been looking forward to for months and I was very excited to see some friends I hadn't seen in ages. I did get a little upset when some close friends dropped out last minute but I was determined to not let anything ruin my weekend, even the head cold and cough my lovely children had given me!

The weekend started on Friday afternoon when my bridesmaid Becky arrived with my brother (they're engaged). Becky and I were meant to be having our nails done and a massage but half an hour after the therapist was meant to have arrived, we got a message to say she wasn't going to be coming. I had a stressful hour of phoning round other beauty therapists and having everyone tell me they were fully booked, before the first place I had rung got back to me and told me they would be able to fit us in, along with my sister who was arriving late that evening, for the next morning to have Shellac done and for me to have a massage as well. Able to relax, we watched the Sixth Sense with some wine and pizza.

The next morning we got up bright and early for our nail appointments. It was a little rushed as we needed to have everything ready for the rest of the weekend to take things with us. The salon was lovely and Jemma, who owns it, went out of her way to make sure we were having a good morning. We had the use of the private chill out room whilst we took it in turns to have our nails done and then I also had a lovely neck, back and shoulder massage before we went to meet the rest of the girls at a local spa.

The spa was great. We chilled out all morning by the Pool and used the Jacuzzi, aromatherapy cave, relaxation lounge and sauna before getting changed and going for lunch at Wetherspoons.

After lunch we had a quick shopping trip for a tiara/veil for me before checking into the hotel. We didn't end up with much time to get ready and just about managed showers and to get changed and have a quick Bucks Fizz in the rooms before we had to leave to get to our Photo Shoot.

At the Shoot we had our hair and makeup professionally done before having lots of photos taken in various groups with some silly props. I had brought a few more bottles of Cava with us too and the amazing cupcakes that had been made for us too. It was a great couple of hours and I cannot wait to see the photos!

After a quick taxi ride back into town, we met up with everyone else at local Indian restaurant Mint Leaf. The food there is amazing. I had to stop myself eating it all as I was worried I wouldn't be able to move if I did! It was so yummy and the meal was great. I was so happy to spend some time with all my closest friends and some family members too!

We started on the scavenger hunt and dare cards towards the end of the meal and, after another bottle of wine, we left and went on to a local Cocktail bar 'Smokin Aces'.

It was a great atmosphere in there and we had a brilliant time. I was even serenaded with Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire when my hens got into the swing of the scavenger hunt! Apart from twisting my ankle whilst trying to pinch as many bums as I could in 60 seconds, I didn't get in to too much trouble and we got back to the hotel at around 2am. It was an amazing night and I couldn't have asked for better friends to make it an awesome hen!

The next morning we met up at Wetherspooons for a full English and then after checking out at the hotel, we had a little wander around town for a girly shopping trip before my bridal shower in the afternoon.

Female relatives and a couple of friends met at The Cottonwood Boutique Hotel for Bucks Fizz and Bacon rolls with more delicious cupcakes. I opened some lovely gifts and then we played some very amusing games. It was a lovely afternoon! It was really nice to spend some time with everyone as well. After the shower we had a quick look at the wedding venue, which was next door, and then everyone went their separate ways.

I had an absolutely fantastic weekend and cannot wait to see everyone again at the wedding in 10 weeks time!

Wedding Hair and Makeup Trial

On Friday I had my hair and makeup trial for the wedding. It was something I had been looking forward to since I booked my wedding hairdresser Blushing Brides Bournemouth back in Spring!

I was still unsure of which hairstyle to go with right up until the morning of the trial but I needn't have worried. I showed Sally the type of things I had been looking at and she got to work on two styles for me to choose from. One half up and half down with curls and the other, curled and pinned up at the back of my head in a loose bun.

Although I loved my hair half up and half down, I did look a lot younger, and I am also aware that having our wedding in February means that the weather may not be kind to my poor hair. I love the hair up style Sally went for. It makes me look elegant and feminine and I think it should withstand the elements.

After we had finished with my hair, we moved onto makeup. I have been umming and ahhing over whether to have my makeup professionally done or whether to just do it myself as I do a full face of makeup daily and have got it down to a fine art by now.

However, after having Sally very kindly do me a no obligation trial along with my hair trial, I am really happy I gave her a chance! She really put me at ease and I am really pleased with how she did my bridal makeup.

The only pointers I gave her were that I wanted to have a subtle smoky eye and pink lips, and Sally really delivered exactly what I wanted. She promised me the makeup would stay put and, even after a walk in the freezing cold local park and then a couple of cheeky wines in the evening, the makeup was still perfect by the time I went to bed!

I am really excited to have Sally doing mine and my bridesmaids hair and makeup for the wedding and would recommend her to everyone!