Feeling More Positive

Following on from recent events, I have started back on antidepressants. I feel so much better already. I have been applying for jobs non stop for the past couple of weeks and I have started getting interviews for some of them. I am waiting to hear back from a couple at the moment. Attending interviews can be nerve wracking, but I am actually enjoying it as it is helping to improve my confidence. I am also branching out a bit in my job search and have applied for some very interesting companies and positions, which is great.

I am feeling so much better about everything and positive for my future, whatever it holds.

What it Feels Like to be Fired

The short answer. Absolutely, totally rubbish. I think the worst thing is that I had no warning it was coming. None whatsoever. Yes, I made some silly mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. We are all, after all, human, and not one of us is perfect. And none of these mistakes were fatal. Yes, I understand that no boss wants to see their employees making mistakes, but I think what angers me the most is I didn't get given the chance to change. I didn't get informed that my mistakes would ultimately lead to the loss of my job, and I didn't get the opportunity to try and improve. The reason I was actually given upon being fired was that my confidence had dropped since I started the position. I hold my hands up and admit this to be true. The fact of the matter is that my line manager and manager were the ones to cause this, along with my already fragile self esteem caused by years of coping with crippling depression, something they were aware of when they hired me as I started the job whilst on antidepressants.

So when, day by day, my manager started treating me like I was an idiot, like I was stupid and like I was a child, I began believing her and as a result, my confidence started to suffer. I became on edge constantly, worried I would make another mistake, worried my questions would appear to be 'silly' and 'unnecessary'. I became a shell of myself when I was at work, and back home, where I should have been relaxing, enjoying time with my boyfriend and my kids, instead I would constantly worry about work, about what I might have done wrong over the weekend. I would return to work on a Tuesday after my two days off and I would feel anxious as I walked in and sat down as to the way my manager would treat me, the way mood she would be in. It even affected my confidence at home. I would question my ability as a mother, as a girlfriend. I would feel constantly like I wasn't good enough and wonder why Ed wanted to be with me. My depression worsened and the bad days outweighed the good more and more.

The rush of emotions I have felt over the past couple of days have been intense. Like I say, I had no warning that this was coming so finding out Tuesday morning felt a bit like I had been punched in the stomach. I was in shock. I was upset but also felt a little like I wasn't really there. Everything was a bit of a blur as I packed up my, rather pathetic, belongings from my desk, handed in my badge and made my way out of the office. Ed was allowed to take the day as holiday to be with me and he took me to Splashdown to take my mind off everything with the water slides (which worked but OHMYGOD I don't like waterslides!). He took me to lunch and for cocktails at Chiquitos too and the Tequila definitely numbed things a little.

I managed to hold it together for a bit but later that day I ended up breaking down. The thing that made it worse was that I was already feeling incredibly low over the past few days, so I wasn't strong enough to cope with this as well. I have never lost a job before. I felt embarrassed, a total failure. I was ashamed and wanted to hide away from everyone and everything. My eyes were swollen and sore from crying so much. I felt like something was missing. The truth is, as much as the job was stressing me out, mainly due to my manager, I actually loved it. It was my dream job. I was using my degree in the way it was meant to be used. I was working on weddings, which is my passion. I had gotten to know and form relationships with my couples and clients. To have that all suddenly ripped away from me was heart-breaking. And even though I know deep down that what Ed and my family were saying, that something better would come along, I couldn't get past the fact that I didn't want different, I wanted to carry on being a wedding coordinator, doing what it is I love.

That evening I considered something I am ashamed to admit. I just felt that I couldn't cope with life. How would I ever be able to get another job when I had been told that I wasn't confident enough to have done a good enough job at my last one? I felt powerless and looking for another job just made things worse, as there is nothing out there at the moment doing what I want to be doing. Ed forced me to go to the gym and punch and kick the pads with him after his class. It really helped to let some of the pent up emotions out, and apparently I did the best I've ever done so maybe being fired wasn't all bad...

Yesterday I was more positive. I got in touch with some people to help me and the kids financially whilst I am looking for my next role, and I have widened my search as I know I need to find a job, not necessarily another career for now. My fear is that I will need to take my children out of nursery. Not because I am lazy, but because I don't want to disrupt their home life anymore than I have already. They have a routine there, they have stability and friends. I will find another job because I need to, for their sakes, and I will get better mentally, as I have before, for the same reason and because I know that I have a boyfriend, children and family who love me very much.

I had some low points again today, and I'm sure there will be more to come. I met Ed at work, so now there's the awkward situation where he still works in my old workplace. It is fairly difficult when I pick him up from work or ask him how his day has been. I found it hard that I didn't get to say goodbye to anyone at work as I was given a weeks pay in lieu of notice, but I sent in notes to those I had gotten to know and I hope that I may be able to keep in touch with some of them. I am still finding it hard to comprehend what happened and I will probably continue to struggle with my self esteem for a long time, but I am determined to pick myself up and to succeed, and ultimately to show those who doubt me that I can achieve my dreams.

40 Things that Make me Happy

As I have depression, I try and focus on things that make me happy as much as I can. Sometimes even the simplest things can help. I started this blog post with the title 25 things that make me happy and had to adapt it, as it turns out a lot of things actually make me happy...



1. My children

Possibly an obvious one, but my kids can help bring a smile to my face simply by giving me a hug or a kiss or telling me they love me. I am incredibly proud of both of them.

2. Being in a happy relationship

This is hugely important to my overall happiness. My boyfriend Ed can make me smile even when I'm at my lowest. He knows how to cheer me up and just being with him makes everything so much better.

3. Chocolate

Cliché but for me chocolate is definitely high up there in the happiness stakes. Especially Lindor!

4. Boxing

I only started at the beginning of the year, so I'm not very good at it yet, but I find boxing is an excellent way to relieve stress and get fit at the same time. It's even better now Ed has got me and my sister Megan pink gloves to use in class- perfect!

5. The Beach

I am so lucky to live so close to the beach. When I am really stressed or depressed, just a quick walk along the beach listening to the waves crash can help cheer me up. In Summer there's no need to leave town either as we have beautiful beaches on our doorstep.

6. Christmas

I absolutely adore Christmas. It is easily my most favourite time of year , made even more magical since having children. I start getting into the Christmas spirit at the start of November and I love buying and wrapping gifts for other people just as much as I enjoy opening my gifts on Christmas Day. I love the Christmas Dinner. I love the songs and the decorations, our family traditions and having time off work to spend with my loved ones. Just perfect. Counting down already, haha.

7. Disneyland Paris

This is my happy place. A very expensive happy place, but my happy place nonetheless. I have been a fair few times but I can't get enough of it and would love to go again as soon as possible. I have been to Florida once but still prefer the Paris one, if only cos I'm terrified of flying! Disneyland Paris in Winter when it snows just makes it even more magical though.

8. Breaking Bad

I've been watching this from the start again with Ed and we are halfway through series 3. I love it and am just as obsessed and addicted as I was first time round.

9. Cheesecake

My love for Cheesecake grows daily. I must stop eating it so much though as I have gained a lot of weight in the past year, largely due to my love of this delicious dessert.

10. Cupcakes

Not surprising I've been gaining weight as another thing that makes me happy is cupcakes. I fell in love with the Yule Log cupcake Tesco did this Christmas. Fortunately for my waistline, it was a seasonal product, but I manage to find new favourites often.

11. Bucket List

Completing stuff from my bucket list makes me happy, even if I am scared at the time. Lately I have done a zipwire from the Pier and ridden a horse for the first time.

12. Fajitas (and Mexican food in general)

I love Fajitas and would eat them in every restaurant I went to if given the chance. I also currently love Strawberry Margharitas, which works well being a Mexican cocktail. Win, win!

13. Days out with the kids

 

 

Being a family and going out, even if just to the park, feels extra special now I am working full time. I always try and do something with the children on a Sunday and I love making memories with them.

14. Dreams

I am a born planner and I love deciding what I want to do in the future. I will eventually get to New York haha.

15. Glitter

I am such a typical girl. I love Pink. I love glitter. Add them together and I would be in heaven.

16. Pretty Things

Following on from pink and glittery things, I am also a sucker for pretty gifts. I love my Pandora charm bracelet, which was most recently added to on Valentines day with a gorgeous charm from Ed.

17. Dressing Up

I love an excuse to dress up, whether it's to go to a party or for a themed Murder Mystery night... I just love making the effort to look nice.

18. Family time

I love spending time with my family. We are very close and I feel I have a proper support network.


19. Friends (The TV show)

Friends never fails to cheer me up (apart from the episode where Ross & Rachel split up, that's just horrible and makes me sad). I turn to it when I am down, lonely or unwell.

20. Seeing the children Smile

This can instantly brighten up my day

21. Pizza

I love Pizza. A little too much... See comment above regarding weight gain and understand why...

22. Romance

I understand that girls are generally more romantic than boys. I am lucky to be with someone who is romantic. It doesn't have to be huge gestures, the little things really count. The surprise horse riding was pretty bloody amazing though. Just saying...

23. Prosecco

I never really drank this until my soon to be sister-in-law got me onto it and now it is my drink of choice on a night out. Not everywhere does it by the glass though, and I'm not quite rich enough to be buying it by the bottle so for these times I fall back to my good old friend Rose wine.

24. Selfies

I am the queen of selfies. I take them all the time. My iPhone camera roll is basically made up entirely of selfies. That and photos of my food... I'm not even ashamed.

25. Snow

I love snow. Unfortunately we rarely get any down south. This was taken on the one day this year that it has snowed, and it had cleared by lunchtime....

26. Sunday Lunch

I am a sucker for a good sunday lunch. I hate carverys though and much prefer either home cooked or a nice country pub lunch.

27. Sister

My sister and I weren't always close as there's quite a big age gap but in the last couple of years we have become much closer and I see her as one of my best friends. I am lucky to have her.

28. Sunny Holidays

I need another one of these soon! I love getting away from everything and having a cocktail somewhere hot and sunny. I really want to go to a Greek island next, and the Maldives, but may have to wait for a lottery win for that one.


29. Friends

I will admit, I don't have a lot of these. And some of the ones I do have are far away. I am lucky enough to have a 'work bestie' though who I have had some amazing times with in the past few months.

30. Sunrise

Self explanatory really.

31. Sunset

As above.

32. Tattoos

I love my tattoos. They all mean something to me. I do want more but I will stop after a couple more as although I have nothing against tattoos all over women, it is not something for me.

33. Winter Wonderland

Another happy place of mine. It's like Christmas all in one park. Love it!

34. Takeaway

I don't tend to have a lot of takeaways, fortunately or I would be the size of a house, but I love a good Indian when I am feeling low or lazy, or both. Perfect with a film and the boyfriend by my side.

35. Quotes

You may have already noticed this, but I love a good quote. I tend to find a lot that mean something to me. Sometimes I use quotes to let people know how I'm feeling as well.

36. Modelling

I used to model a fair bit and I loved it. Really want to get back into it as it made me smile.

37. Music

Music really can do the above. I love a good sing along to my favourite songs. Especially the Frozen soundtrack in my car. There is nothing that can't be fixed by a good sing along to Let it Go!

38. Fresh Bedding

I don't get round to putting fresh sheets on nearly enough. I love the feel of them and the smell of them. Everything just feels better when your sheets are fresh!

39. Easter Egg

I don't know what it is about Easter Eggs that somehow make chocolate taste even nicer... but they do... and I love them. Only had one so far this year, I need more!

40. Baking

I'm not brilliant at it, but I love to bake. It relaxes me and who doesn't love eating yummy homemade baked things?