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Wednesday 10 June 2015

Big School

I am so excited for Cameron to be finally going to school in September. 

When I heard back in April that he had got a place at the school I wanted him to it still seemed so far away but I think it's going to come around very fast now, with summer just around the corner. 

I have a meeting at the school in a couple of weeks to talk about all the details, and I need to start thinking about buying his uniform as well soon. 

I am so happy for him. He is going to love school. He has always been so eager to learn. It's a huge milestone and makes me feel pretty old and like I should really be more mature than I am!

Summer Healthy Eating

So, as I may have mentioned, I am trying very hard to eat more healthy, to exercise more and to tone my tummy and thighs up for the Summer. Yes, I know, Summer is pretty much already here now...but I am still working on it!

Being in a healthy relationship, my weight gain over the past several months is higher than I am happy about and I really want to do something about it.

I have pretty much cut carbs out of my evening meals and try to stick to plenty of vegetables with either chicken or steak. 
I have two slices of wholemeal toast for my breakfast and for lunch I generally have chopped fruit and veg, with some cheese and salsa. It's something I have had since I was a child and, being out of work at the moment, it is something I have time to prepare fresh on the day. I tend to have a Strawberry yoghurt with Strawberries as a 'dessert'.

My main downfall is Wine and Chocolate in the evenings. Sometimes after a stressful day I fall back on this and I know this is one of the major factors preventing me from reaching my targets. I've been trying to find healthier alternatives and something I am obsessed with at the moment is carrot sticks and Salsa. 

I have also tried to make healthier mini pizza bread with Be Good to Yourself Naan bread as well lately, for when I really want pizza. I make it with a bit of Cheddar and some Salsa for a slightly healthier version of the real thing.

Saturday 6 June 2015

Feeling More Positive

Following on from recent events, I have started back on antidepressants. I feel so much better already. I have been applying for jobs non stop for the past couple of weeks and I have started getting interviews for some of them. I am waiting to hear back from a couple at the moment. Attending interviews can be nerve wracking, but I am actually enjoying it as it is helping to improve my confidence. I am also branching out a bit in my job search and have applied for some very interesting companies and positions, which is great.

I am feeling so much better about everything and positive for my future, whatever it holds.

Fitbit Charge Review

With my birthday money I got the FitBit Charge. 

I had wanted something like this for awhile and, having done some research online, I decided the FitBit Charge would be best for me in my budget. I have had it for over a month now and I absolutely love it. I like being able to see how many steps I have taken in a day, and to see the calories I have burnt off but overall my favourite aspects are the sleep monitor, which has really helped me see how badly I sleep (that's having children for you) and the call alert. This function allows me to see that my phone is ringing, along with who it is calling me, even when my phone is on silent or in my bag. This has been really helpful as I am job hunting, so I don't miss important calls from recruitment agents or employers. 

Overall I think the FitBit is fantastic. I haven't used it to its full potential yet I feel, but I can see that it is helping me to be more active and motivated to lose weight and tone up. Ed is getting the FitBit Charge HR for his birthday at the end of this month, so I hope we can use them together.

Carly's Summer Wardrobe

Carly was in desperate need of some new summery clothes but obviously at the moment I don't have the money for a big shopping trip. Whilst doing my food shop in Sainsbury's recently I came across their sale and found some brilliant bargains. I did pick up a couple of their new pieces too but overall I didn't spend much and ended up with some lovely stuff.

Thursday 14 May 2015

What it Feels Like to be Fired

The short answer. Absolutely, totally rubbish. I think the worst thing is that I had no warning it was coming. None whatsoever. Yes, I made some silly mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. We are all, after all, human, and not one of us is perfect. And none of these mistakes were fatal. Yes, I understand that no boss wants to see their employees making mistakes, but I think what angers me the most is I didn't get given the chance to change. I didn't get informed that my mistakes would ultimately lead to the loss of my job, and I didn't get the opportunity to try and improve. The reason I was actually given upon being fired was that my confidence had dropped since I started the position. I hold my hands up and admit this to be true. The fact of the matter is that my line manager and manager were the ones to cause this, along with my already fragile self esteem caused by years of coping with crippling depression, something they were aware of when they hired me as I started the job whilst on antidepressants.

So when, day by day, my manager started treating me like I was an idiot, like I was stupid and like I was a child, I began believing her and as a result, my confidence started to suffer. I became on edge constantly, worried I would make another mistake, worried my questions would appear to be 'silly' and 'unnecessary'. I became a shell of myself when I was at work, and back home, where I should have been relaxing, enjoying time with my boyfriend and my kids, instead I would constantly worry about work, about what I might have done wrong over the weekend. I would return to work on a Tuesday after my two days off and I would feel anxious as I walked in and sat down as to the way my manager would treat me, the way mood she would be in. It even affected my confidence at home. I would question my ability as a mother, as a girlfriend. I would feel constantly like I wasn't good enough and wonder why Ed wanted to be with me. My depression worsened and the bad days outweighed the good more and more.

The rush of emotions I have felt over the past couple of days have been intense. Like I say, I had no warning that this was coming so finding out Tuesday morning felt a bit like I had been punched in the stomach. I was in shock. I was upset but also felt a little like I wasn't really there. Everything was a bit of a blur as I packed up my, rather pathetic, belongings from my desk, handed in my badge and made my way out of the office. Ed was allowed to take the day as holiday to be with me and he took me to Splashdown to take my mind off everything with the water slides (which worked but OHMYGOD I don't like waterslides!). He took me to lunch and for cocktails at Chiquitos too and the Tequila definitely numbed things a little.

I managed to hold it together for a bit but later that day I ended up breaking down. The thing that made it worse was that I was already feeling incredibly low over the past few days, so I wasn't strong enough to cope with this as well. I have never lost a job before. I felt embarrassed, a total failure. I was ashamed and wanted to hide away from everyone and everything. My eyes were swollen and sore from crying so much. I felt like something was missing. The truth is, as much as the job was stressing me out, mainly due to my manager, I actually loved it. It was my dream job. I was using my degree in the way it was meant to be used. I was working on weddings, which is my passion. I had gotten to know and form relationships with my couples and clients. To have that all suddenly ripped away from me was heart-breaking. And even though I know deep down that what Ed and my family were saying, that something better would come along, I couldn't get past the fact that I didn't want different, I wanted to carry on being a wedding coordinator, doing what it is I love.

That evening I considered something I am ashamed to admit. I just felt that I couldn't cope with life. How would I ever be able to get another job when I had been told that I wasn't confident enough to have done a good enough job at my last one? I felt powerless and looking for another job just made things worse, as there is nothing out there at the moment doing what I want to be doing. Ed forced me to go to the gym and punch and kick the pads with him after his class. It really helped to let some of the pent up emotions out, and apparently I did the best I've ever done so maybe being fired wasn't all bad...

Yesterday I was more positive. I got in touch with some people to help me and the kids financially whilst I am looking for my next role, and I have widened my search as I know I need to find a job, not necessarily another career for now. My fear is that I will need to take my children out of nursery. Not because I am lazy, but because I don't want to disrupt their home life anymore than I have already. They have a routine there, they have stability and friends. I will find another job because I need to, for their sakes, and I will get better mentally, as I have before, for the same reason and because I know that I have a boyfriend, children and family who love me very much.

I had some low points again today, and I'm sure there will be more to come. I met Ed at work, so now there's the awkward situation where he still works in my old workplace. It is fairly difficult when I pick him up from work or ask him how his day has been. I found it hard that I didn't get to say goodbye to anyone at work as I was given a weeks pay in lieu of notice, but I sent in notes to those I had gotten to know and I hope that I may be able to keep in touch with some of them. I am still finding it hard to comprehend what happened and I will probably continue to struggle with my self esteem for a long time, but I am determined to pick myself up and to succeed, and ultimately to show those who doubt me that I can achieve my dreams.

Monday 11 May 2015

My Fresh Face

Turning 26 has made me more conscious about how I look and the image I portray. I decided, along with a new approach to my skincare, that I needed to look a little more fresh and natural with my makeup. 

I had been using Bourjois foundation, but found I looked a little fake and it tended to wear off in the afternoon. On my trip to Boots I ended up having their colour match done and I bought a Foundation, Powder and Concealer from the range. Apparently my skin is cool vanilla. 

I also bought myself a foundation brush as I haven't ever used one. I have really noticed a difference. I feel my skin is not so clogged, and I don't look like I'm wearing lots of makeup. It's so much easier to put the makeup on with a brush as well. I have taken a photo to show my transformation. 

I was even asked at work the other day what makeup I use, so I take that as a sign that I've achieved the look I was going for with my makeup. I am still a big fan of Bourjois and I use their blusher, lipstick and mascara along with a natural collection eye liner to finish off my everyday look. 

The No7 Early Defence Range

I am not usually one for following a skincare regime very well. I tend to end up using either makeup wipes or miclear cleansing water and that's it at the end of the day and in the morning I simply slap my makeup on a just woken up face. 

Turning 26 has led to me becoming obsessed with how my skin looks. I've just started to notice lines around my eyes. It pushed me to take more care of my skin now before it's too late. I wondered into boots on bank holiday Monday hoping to find something and came across their brand new skincare range - Early Defence, specifically targeted at people my age, to help prevent the ageing process right at the start. 

I had a chat with the No7 lady and she helped me decide I would only need the day and eye cream from the range as I already have something I put on at night (when I remember). I also picked up a primer and some makeup, which I will explain further in another post. 

So far my new skincare regime of waking up, washing my face and then smoothing on some of the day cream before patting (not rubbing as it can cause dark circles and lines under the the don'tcha know) the intensive eye cream on. I then smooth some primer on before my makeup. I've been doing this religiously for the past week and I do feel my skin feels better. I definitely feel that my eyes are benefiting from the cream, so I will keep at it and see if there is a noticeable difference in the coming months. 

Please excuse the no makeup selfie... I live in a full face usually so feel majorly self conscious sharing anything of my naked face... 

The range is priced fairly reasonably, and if you get them when there's a 3 for 2 offer on, like I did, then they're a total bargain! I would definitely recommend for anyone around the same age as me who is starting to panic about turning 30 and noticing lines where there weren't lines before. 

Tuesday 7 April 2015

Happy Easter!

My Easter break wasn't a huge success. Although I had a nice day off spent sleeping and shopping on Friday and a night spent doing a murder mystery with Ed and my family, Saturday I was back in work feeling unwell. 

Saturday evening was spent at 'the dogs' for the boxing social evening.

 It was a good night but I was still feeling a bit poorly and by early hours the next morning it had developed into full on tummy bug. 

So Easter Sunday for me was spent in the bathroom and then when I managed to make it out for our family lunch at a local pub I only managed half my dinner and I didn't get to eat my Easter eggs. Major sad face! 

Easter Monday I woke up feeling a little better, managed to do my food shopping and then we spent the afternoon at Upton Country Park, which was nice. There was a freak heat wave too which meant I almost got burnt in the sun and really wasn't dressed for the weather in jeans- boiling!

 I finished the day with an Easter egg hunt for the children, and I even felt well enough for some Easter egg of my own finally! 

Despite a few mishaps it was nice to spend time with family and have a bit of a rest before a very busy week at work. Happy Easter everyone! 

Monday 30 March 2015

April Monthly Plans

This is something I used to do regularly on the blog back in the day so I thought I would try it out again, especially as I do have a couple of things planned for once!

Murder Mystery Night

I got a murder mystery game for my nan for Christmas and we had so much fun doing it a couple of months ago that my mum bought another one, which we will be doing on Friday night. This one is based in the sixties and I can't wait to dress up and have another fun night in with the family and Ed. It should be really fun.

Boxing Social

I have been to one of these before, technically, for the Christmas night out, but that was before I started going to class and I was going only as Ed's plus one. This should be fun as I now know more people and Megan will be coming along too. It is at the dog racing, which I have been to once before with the Work Christmas party, so it should be quite fun.

Easter Sunday

I may or may not have already consumed around 6 Easter eggs, but it doesn't stop me being eggcited (couldn't help myself, sorry) for Sunday to eat all the Easter Eggs and make myself sick of Chocolate, hopefully for the remainder of the month so I have a chance in hell of losing weight for May!

Wedding Season

I am probably really sad to be excited about this, but I happen to love my job and I can't wait until 11th April when we have our first wedding of the season! April is busy with weddings so I really get thrown back into things- yay!

Series 5 of Game of Thrones

Ok, so as I mentioned in a previous post, I am a little obsessed with Game of Thrones. It is back on TV on April 13th and I am very excited! No spoilers please as I still have 8 episodes to go on series 4 before this!

Fake Birthday

As Ed is going to be away on a Boxing thing for the entire weekend of my birthday (Friday-Monday, I could, and may already have, cry), we are doing a 'fake' birthday the weekend before. He has told me we will be going away but not where so it's quite exciting. I have a wedding at work on the Friday but straight from there we will be going wherever it is we are going. Very excited! And I guess it makes up for the fact that I won't be able to see him at all over my actual birthday (still very upset though).
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