Ever have one of those days when you just feel like you can't go on? Today has been that kind of a day. I think the hardest thing is admitting you are finding things hard. I feel such pressure to be some sort of superwoman. I work a 40 hour week at work and on my days 'off' I go back to being full time mummy to my two children. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love spending time with them. It's just that sometimes, it would ne nice to actually stop and relax. I fear this post is turning into a moan.
I have come to the realisation just tonight, that the depression is back. As fellow sufferers will know, it never truly goes away entirely, just sits and waits for the next attack, which for me, is now. Those who have never suffered from depression may find it difficult to understand. I know some people will find it hard to see how I can feel depressed when I seem to have everything going for me. The fact that I have become incredibly good at faking a smile both in person, and through the power of the positive Facebook statuses, means that most people would think everything was just fine. And that's what I say if people ask. "I'm fine. Everything is fine". But it's not fine.
When I have depression it's like a great big dark blanket has come down over me, making it hard to see the positive things I have going on, making my mind focus only on the negatives, the what-ifs, the nagging doubts that just won't leave me. I have hugely low self esteem and care a lot more than I should about what other people think of me and these two things couple with depression, reducing me to an emotional wreck. I can be coping one day and the next, feel like my entire world is collapsing around me. It's exhausting.
I went to the doctors today as I have been having dizzy spells and ended up in a&e last week with severe stomach pain. I was going to mention my low mood, and I did say the word emotional, but when the doctor wrote all my symptoms off as stress I didn't say anything. It's easier to just keep going and pretending that everything is as fine as I say it is. And despite my low self esteem, despite not feeling I can cope at times, I know deep down that I will, as I have done before. And I do have a lot to be thankful for in my life. I know I do, even in my darkest times, I can remember I have a loving family, amazing children and a boyfriend who tells me how much I meant to him every day.
So I'm hoping the power of determination to keep going will shine through. But for now, I plan on reading a trashy magazine with Friends playing in the background, trying to resist the chocolate I've hidden in the cupboard for emergencies (I need to stick to the diet)!
Monday, 19 January 2015
Sunday, 11 January 2015
I don't know if you know, but 2014 was a bit of a rollercoaster ride of emotions for me. By the time December rolled round, with all the changes over the past few weeks, I was more than ready for a fresh start and, with the New Year just around the corner, a time made for new beginnings, I was in luck.
|2015 is a new start for me and my wonderful boyfriend Ed|
I had planned on starting the new year seeing it in with a glass of the fizzy stuff and my boyfriend Ed by my side for a festive midnight kiss. As always with me, things didn't quite go to plan when we went to a party and I drank a little too much, a little too quickly and subsequently, instead of the romantic kiss, what Ed got was a passed out girlfriend and sleep before the clocks chimed. Bit of a disaster....
|Drinking before even getting to the party is never a clever idea...|
From the very next day I was determined to make 2015 a better year and went in guns blazing declaring I would be eating nothing but salads and not touching a drop of alcohol for the entire month. I lasted a grand total of 4 days. It's not that I couldn't do it, if I tried, it's that the lonnnnnng month of January is a hard enough time as it is, but when you add the life changes I am currently experiencing into the equation, you're looking at a breakdown waiting to happen and a few glasses of wine might just take the edge off it all.
Don't get me wrong, things are happening the way I want them to. In fact, I am the happiest I have ever been. But no matter how much better my life is now, it is always a little sad to admit you made a mistake and things didn't work out. I hope that in a few weeks time when everything is final, that I can really move on in my life with Ed and my children. I am fortunate enough to have a loving and supportive family, and a couple of close friends who have stood by me no matter what. For these people, I am eternally grateful.
|My sister has been my rock throughout the past few months|
My life has never followed the path I used to want it to. I have often been envious of those people who managed to do things the 'right' way. But recently I have come to realise that actually, there is no 'right' or 'wrong' way. Life is too short to worry about the choices we are making. Yes, I made some along the way, but everything that has happened has happened for a reason and led me to where I am now, which, in case I didn't already mention, is the happiest I've ever been. So yes, I will conclude this rather rambling post with one of my favourite lines from the soundtrack to my all tine favourite Disney film, the magnificent Frozen....
"I know I left a life behind but I'm too relived to grieve.... Let it go"
2015 will be the year I finally manage to do just that and leave the past where it belongs in the past, allowing me to move on and into a brighter future for me, Ed and my two beautiful children.
Instead of unrealistic expectations or the promise of a new year, new me, this year I have gone for some sensible attitude changes in key areas of my life..
-I will have a healthier relationship with food, exercise and my body image.
-I will have more patience with people, especially as a mother.
-I will aim to spend less time on my phone and more time in the present. I will be more motivated and confident, using my bucket list as a way to force myself out of my comfort zone.
In short, I will use the fresh start to keep myself as me, only better.
Happy New Year everyone!