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Saturday, 28 May 2011

Something I overcame this week...

If you are facebook friends with me you will know I am an oversharer... I tend to write statuses that are very personal to me and reveal a lot about myself. I have lately been writing a mix of statuses, quite a lot of them have been very low. This isn't really a recent occurance, however, and has been happening on and off since just after I had Cameron.

I have bottled my emotions up to some extent though, and have point blank refused to go and talk to the doctor about how I have been feeling, terrified they would take Cameron away from me or call me a bad mother for feeling so depressed when I have a perfectly happy and healthy baby. I am of course so grateful my baby is fine, and I love him to bits, but it has been a huge struggle to cope with the massive changes that your body and mind go through when you have a baby, especially as I am not very old and Cameron was an unplanned pregnancy, leaving me as a single mum.

I started feeling very low when Cameron was only a couple of weeks old but was sure this was just the 'baby blues' and hoped it would pass. It didn't, and instead I got worse and worse, but then sometimes better. Writing this blog has really helped me as I find writing about my life is therapeutic and lets some of my tensions out. There have been times when I have considered running away from everything, and even worse, when I have felt so unbearably sad. I have been in hysterical tears in front of my mum, begging her to take Cameron as I couldn't be the mum he needed me to be. It is hard to even admit this, because I love him so much, but I often feel like a failure, like I don't deserve him.

I have found this year almost impossible, and have wanted to quit uni so many times I have lost count. I persevered and am now almost at the end. I am going to feel so proud, but the cloud has yet to lift and I today finally managed to make the most important step and to go and seek help from the doctors. I felt a weight lift slightly when I admitted to the doctor how I had been feeling. I am dead against antidepressants but am now considering them, as I have read leaflets the doctor gave to me and feel a bit more at ease with what they are. At the end of the day, the only thing that matters to me is getting better as quickly as I can for my son. If that means taking tablets, then so be it. I am also going to get more counselling, as I had pre natal depression whilst pregnant and found this really helped me at the time to vent my huge range of emotions.

Do you want to know what finally made me see sense and make that appointment for the doctors? It wasn't my emotions, I had been feeling them for months. It wasn't my mum telling me to, as she had been doing so since I first told her how I felt. It was reading a news article about Stacey Solomon and her experiences of PND that made me realise I had it and that I needed to get help. Reading her story made me cry... a lot. It is heartbreaking having a baby but not being able to fully enjoy the experience because of how you are feeling inside. I am so glad I read the story and realised I had PND.

This is why I am now writing this blog. I may not be as famous as Stacey, but I have got a voice, and I have nearing on 100 followers, most of which I am betting are women. If I can just help one other woman out there who is feeling depressed and not realising how bad things have got, then I will be so happy. Nobody need suffer in silence as I did for 8 months. I am going to get better for mine and Cameron's sake now and I hope others out there who have undiagnosed depression, of any type, are able to take that step and start recovering from this illness.


  1. as much as I admire you for being strong and you know what I have been through too, I do not wish anyone to take anti-depressants, they will make you feel amazing yes, but then its a fake feeling, as soon as you stop taking them, you will feel down again and as a suffer from depression, you should be feeling fine within yourself not just because of some tablets, you are such a strong girl Emma and anyone can see how amazing of a mum you are, i look up to you one day hoping when i have a baby of my own you will be there to guide me and tell me what to do and dont because your perfect for him.

    you know where i am whenever you ever need to talk, i gave you my number i think too, your welcome to tx that anytime hun. its good you went to the doctors but i am ashamed they just decided to give you tablets, its a sort of easy way out for them and in the end it doesnt make you better, you need to speak to a person counselling sounds much better than pills, and you just need to let it all out. i hope that helps hun, i know you can do it!! xxx

  2. Do what is best for you- everyone's experience of anti-depressants is different and I think it would be unwise to take someone else's experience as advice on taking them or not. They got me through uni and their benefits far outweighed their negatives for me.

  3. What a brilliant post Emma, thank you very much for sharing. Lately I've been feeling really overwhelmed and like I can't cope and don't know how I'll look after Eric when I'm on my own when Alex is away, and I also get so worried something will happen to him and imagine all the horrible things, and I sometimes feel low :( So it's helpful to know someone feels the same, and I hope you know you're not alone too. I hope the doctor and counsellor can help you. I have a friend who had depression and took antidepressants and they really really helped her, I think it depends on the person, and if you decide to take them they might really help, don't be put off as everyone's experience of things can be different. Love Felicity xxx


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