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Tuesday, 19 April 2011

Looking in the Mirror and Liking What you See?

So this week's blog from me for More! Magazine was on body image and how I am still not entirely happy about what I see when I look in the mirror (to read it click here).

I have always had issues with how I look, ever since I was around 15 and I started making an effort with my appearance, wearing makeup, doing my hair and going out with my first boyfriend. Back then I was closer to a size 12, but a bit more confident as I had 34C boobs, whereas now I am probably closer to a 34A than the 34B I am wearing... I have been on a diet ever since the age of 15, on and off but mostly on. My weight has yo-yoed more than I can keep track of, though never going below a size 8 or above a size 12.

When I found out I was pregnant I decided to finally ditch the diet and start eating what my body was telling me to, which involved a lot of food! I put on 2 stone in total whilst I was pregnant, going to around 12 stone at my heaviest. Immediately after having the baby you lose a lot, because you are no longer carrying the baby or the water either. I was left with a huge belly though, hanging a bit as the muscle is just gone! It was really hard to accept that this was my body. You aren't allowed to exercise until after your 6 week check up, but to be honest, apart from walking with the pram, I still haven't done much in the way of exercise... I hate the gym and haven't had a chance to do any of my exercise DVDs that are collecting dust on the shelf. It means that, despite having now lost all of my baby weight and more, I still don't feel confident with how I look when I stand in front of the mirror in my underwear. I have what is referred to as a 'mum tum' which is where the muscle in the stomach hasn't gone back to what it was before having a baby, and looks a bit like a 'pouch'. It makes me feel really self conscious, especially when wearing tight clothing.

My body (taken tonight)

I am also extremely self conscious about my tiny boobs. I was just about ok with them before Cameron, as, although small, they were high up and looked alright. Now, after having breastfed Cameron for 4 months, I have a slight sag to them and stretch marks on them as well. It makes me feel self conscious and I have resorted to padded bras to feel more ok with the way I look in clothes.

I am down to 9 stone 8 and a clothes size 8-10 but I am still not overly happy with how I look. I have my bad days and my good days, but I also think I have an unhealthy relationship to food. I was eating a healthy balanced diet, having a treat day every week and this is how I lost the majority of my weight, but lately I have 'fallen of the wagon' so to speak and seem to have totally lost my appetite. I will eat junk food one day and then not even feel like eating a healthy meal the next. I feel sick a lot which puts me off my food as well. I seem to be maintaining my weight at the moment, but I am worried that long term this 'diet' is not going to do me any health favours.

I am seriously looking at having a boob job once I have finished having children, there is no point beforehand as I wish to breastfeed again and they would only change with pregnancy anyway. I don't plan on going silly big but I loved being a 34DD just after having Cameron so I would aim for that. I know a lot of people don't agree with having surgery for 'cosmetic reasons' but personally, I feel it would increase my confidence so much that it would be worth the pain and the cost. I have quite big hips and don't think I would ever have a tiny waist or flat stomach, so I would feel more in proportion with a bigger pair of boobs.

For now I am putting a Wonderbra on my birthday wishlist which promises to increase your cup size by 2 sizes which suits me fine. I will also be getting myself into some sort of fitness regime over the summer, once I have more time, but in the meantime I will be walking as much as I can and fitting in some sit ups. Feeling body confident is extremely hard, but I do try and look at my 'flaws' and think that my body produced Cameron so I should feel proud of it, lumps and all.

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