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Tuesday, 15 February 2011

What it Feels Like to be Cheated on....

I have been cheated on twice, that I know of. Both times were by the same ex boyfriend back when I was in my teens, but it hurt enough for me to remember how much it upset me. People may say that your first relationships are silly, childish things, but I would disagree. I was, at the time, very much in love with my ex boyfriend the second time he cheated on me.

The first time, I will admit, I was not sure of how I felt about my boyfriend. I had cheated on him when we first got together, which for the record, made me feel the lowest of the low and I thought he should have split up with me. So, when he cheated on me a few months afterwards, I forgave him pretty quickly as in a way it was a punishment for what I had done and, although it hurt like mad, I saw it as an eye for an eye. The worse thing was who he had cheated on me with, one of my 'friends' who we hung around with all the time. I found it a lot harder forgiving her as it felt like an even worse betrayal coming from another girl, and one who called herself my friend. I did forgive her in the end though as it became too awkward not to talk to her when we were in the same group of friends.

For a while after I found out he had cheated on me, we were ok. We got engaged, rather naievely, when I was 16 but it only lasted for 6 months before he broke it off just before Christmas. I never got an engagement ring, though he had bought one to give me for Christmas and showed me it before he returned it. Luckily I didn't think much of it anyway. We got back together a week later, but didn't get engaged again. I think we realised how silly it had been to have been engaged so young. It put a huge amount of pressure on us to get married etc and we weren't ready for that.

Almost a year later, when I was 17, we had got pretty adventurous in the bedroom, having been together for a while by then, and ended up messing around with another couple (my school friend and her boyfriend). Things didn't really go to plan and I ended up getting very upset and stopping things. The next day, me and my friend went to Cardiff to an open day for the Uni she wanted to go to. I had a horrible suspicious feeling when she was on her phone that she was texting my boyfriend, but tried to push the feeling away as it made me feel sick. When we got back to Bournemouth, I had a driving lesson. My boyfriend was pretty much living at my house, and as I was running late, my friend ended up hanging out with him whilst I went on my lesson. I couldn't concentrate on my driving as I kept picturing them together in my room so I ended up coming home from the lesson early. They looked so guilty when I got back that I was certain something was up.

In the next few days, my boyfriend openly texted my friend in front of me as her relationship with her boyfriend fell apart. I was getting so upset by it that I asked him to stop texting her for me, and he refused. Things had reached breaking point between us, we were arguing loads every day. But we were due to go on a family holiday with his family that week so, despite everyone telling me not to go, I sucked it up and went. I wanted us to work things out, plus I didn't want to lose money by not going on the holiday. When we got to Cyprus, things improved a tiny bit for the first few days, but by the end of the first week things had worsened. It had gotten to the point that my boyfriend wouldn't even hold my hand or talk to me properly. He ended up splitting up with me, mid-holiday, when I was miles and miles from home and my family. I was devestated and really confused. We had been arguing, but it had come from nowehere. His mum was really lovely to me and I went shopping with her a lot in the second week. It was the most awkward week of my life and I was crying inside each day. The worst thing was that we were still sharing a bed as there was only that bed for me to sleep in. I didn't want to worry my mum so I pretended everything was fine all week when I phoned home. On the last day I broke down in tears to her though, I was so upset. I was dreading going home as it would all become more real, especially as he would be moving out of my house.

We were apart for a few weeks, when he decided he wanted me back and I stupidly took him back (things clearly weren't right between us and we kept making up and breaking up like the Blu Cantrel song). It was a year later, having split up for the last time with my boyfriend in May that year, that I found out from him that he had cheated on me with my friend just before we went to Cyprus. I had a sick feeling in my stomach the night he rang me to tell me, as if I knew something bad was about to happen. Despite the cheating having taken place a year before, it still hurt so bad to find out he had cheated on me, and with another friend of mine. The worst thing was that people, other friends of mine, had known about it at the time and nobody had told me for a year. I felt angry, shaky and sick. I wanted to kill the girl he had cheated me on. All I could think of was 'had they had sex in my room?'. He told me they hadn't, but I couldn't believe a word he said after that. I was so angry, I wanted to hurt him as much as he had hurt me.

I rang the girl the next day and she denied it ever happening, despite the fact that my ex had told me. She said it wasn't true, but why would he have lied? There was no motive for him to have done that. I left her a couple of messages, literally screaming down the phone at her. I was so upset and betrayed by her that I never wanted to see her again. It ate me up for almost a year, hating her so much it hurt. I got over what my ex had done, as I had started a new relationship and didn't care about him anymore, but for this girl to have gone behind my back and slept with my boyfriend on more than one occassion and then continue to be my friend, knowing what she had done for a year was what hurt me the most.

In the end, I decided the only way I could stop feeling so hurt and upset about her was to forgive her, even if I couldn't forget. I sent her a facebook message and she apologised, which was what I needed really to get over what she had done. I ended up making Facebook friends with her, and although we don't really talk anymore, we have commented on a couple of statuses since. I haven't actually seen her since I found out, despite it being 4 years ago now, and us having mutual friends, as she is away at Uni still. I feel things would be fine if we were to meet though as it is all in the past.

The pain of having been cheated on is still there though, and I think I carry it with me into every new relationship which has, in the past, ruined chances of things working as I have zero trust in men. I am not trying to paint myself as an angel in all of this, and I hope if the ex boyfriend is reading this, that he realises I accept blame as much as him for our relationship not working out as I did cheat on him too, but being cheated on has shaped the person I am. Being cheated on feels like the rug being well and truly pulled out from under your feet and like everyone is looking at you with pity in their eyes. Cheating hurts, whether it is you being cheated on or being the one who has cheated. It is a horrible thing to do to someone and one of the only things I regret is having done it to someone I cared about.

I am not going to write a post on how it feels to cheat on someone, the guilt etc as I know that a lot of people have absolutely zero tolerance with cheating and I don't want abuse for putting my story out there. To the people who do judge thos who have cheated though, without even hearing their story,  I would just like to say that nobody knows how another person feels, and unless you are able to walk a mile in my shoes, you have no way of knowing what it felt like to be in my relationship, so don't judge me. I feel guilty for having cheated, I don't need people who don't know me to make me feel worse....

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